Boundary Styles in Relationships
adapted from Sensorimotor Psychotherapy Interventions for Trauma and Attachment Pat Ogden and Janina Fisher
If we grew up in families where boundaries were overly rigid, enmeshed, non-existent, or unpredictable, the opportunity to learn and practice healthy relational boundaries was greatly diminished. As a result, we pay a price in relationships, especially our closest relationships in which healthy boundaries are an important element of forming current attachments.
When we do not experience safe relational boundaries growing up, we may become too passive and fail to protect or assert ourselves. Or we might have problems saying “no,” or we might withdraw or aggressively defend against others, rather than set calm, appropriate boundaries. Or maybe we developed a pattern in which we vacillate between these two extremes of being passive and being aggressive. Some of us might find ourselves with good relational boundaries with some people in our lives, such as co-workers, but with inadequate boundaries with others, such as our family members.
The way we set, or do not set, our boundaries with others is neither “negative” nor “bad” but reflects adaptive responses to past circumstances that have become procedurally learned patterns. We cannot learn adaptive relational boundaries if we are raised by caregivers who lack healthy boundaries themselves. In those kinds of environments, we do not have the chance to learn from others and emulate their healthy boundaries, nor are we able to exercise healthy boundaries ourselves without negative consequences. So, instinctively, we make the best choice for ourselves by unconsciously developing relational boundary styles that are most suited to our particular circumstances.
UNDERBOUNDED STYLE
This boundary style is particularly well adapted to a family environment in which members tend to merge with each other, where what is “me” and what is “you” is blurred. In such situations, it is usually not acceptable or safe to set one’s own individual boundaries. Perhaps the family defines individuality as “disloyal,” or maybe setting boundaries is considered “disrespectful” and even punished.
Sometimes it is safer to be merged so that we can better sense what is needed or wanted by our parents, moment by moment. Individuals who have developed an underbounded style understandably have difficulty setting limits or saying “no” and have trouble differentiating their feelings, opinions, needs, and preferences from those of others.
If you grew up in a family in which an underbounded boundary style was adaptive, you may experience some of the following:
• You may have difficulty saying “no” and find yourself frequently acquiescing or saying “yes” even when you don’t want to or you may fear that others will reject, abandon, mistreat you, be angry with or disappointed in you if you say “no.”
• You may feel you must please others by giving in to their needs, preferences, and desires; you may often end up feeling used and taken advantage of.
• You may have difficulty identifying your own feelings, preferences, and needs and distinguishing yours from those of others.
• You may tend to turn to others for advice, help, and direction instead of having confidence in your own sense of what you want, need, or prefer.
• You may have a desire to merge in relationships, have difficulty differentiating yourself from others, or feel hurt or rejected if they have different feelings or opinions than you do.
• In relationships, you are apt to “give too much” and share too much too soon. You also may have difficulty keeping the confidences of others.
• If you have trouble saying “no,” you may be susceptible to emotional, physical, or sexual abuse and find yourself constantly trying to recover from your boundaries being violated.
• You may lack awareness of social space; that is, unconsciously get too close, physically or emotionally, to others. You might get hurtful feedback that others experience you as intrusive, needy, or as violating their boundaries. You may not understand why they react that way.
• You may find it so easy to empathize with others’ emotions that their side of the story feels more compelling than your own emotions or point of view.
Your body might reflect having learned diffuse or lax boundaries by being either collapsed, unguarded, or both. The tendency to merge with others may literally show up in a loss of muscular definition and tone in your body. Your body language might give the message that you cannot protect or defend yourself or that your sense of self is weak and easily manipulated to do the bidding of others. A few examples of this are going to the movie others want to see instead of stating your preference, agreeing to help them when you do not want to, and perhaps even violating your own sexual or physical preferences to meet the desires of someone else.
It is important to note that certain strengths or survival resources characterize this boundary style as well. A person with an underbounded style, because of the permeable nature of his or her boundaries, often has a sensitivity or awareness of others and the ability for empathy and attunement to the feelings of others.
OVERBOUNDED STYLE
This boundary style tends to be rigid, impenetrable, inflexible, and dense instead of permeable. It is easier and more familiar for someone with this style to say “no” than to say “yes.” The overbounded style is adaptive in family environments in which parents avoid physical or emotional contact with the child, such that the child must meet his or her own needs, or those contexts in which it isn’t safe to be vulnerable or to let down your guard. The caregivers may be abusive emotionally or physically, inducing fear and avoidance of close relationships in the child. In such a family, it is safer to be alone, self-reliant, guarded. Mistrust might be more adaptive than trust.
If you have grown up in a family in which an overbounded boundary style was most adaptive, you may experience some of the following:
• Your automatic response to others may be to say “no” rather than to say “yes.” Or you may find it difficult to say “yes” to others’ requests; it may feel like “giving in” or being too vulnerable.
• You may believe that the “wall” you put up is a healthy boundary, but in fact it keeps everything out. When you have a wall, you cannot let much of anything in, not even good things.
• You may be hyper-vigilantly protective of your “space” and prefer more distance in relationships. Contact with others can feel invasive, rather than nourishing.
• You may be uncomfortable revealing personal information and do not solicit personal information from others.
• You rarely ask for the opinions, feelings, or thoughts of others, and avoid asking for help. You probably tend to be self-reliant and independent.
• You may perceive others as a potential threat and have difficulty with trust, intimacy, and vulnerability. It may be hard for you to let down your guard.
• You may find yourself isolated from others; find it difficult to let others get close, and you may spend much of your time alone. Or perhaps when you spend time with other people, you notice that there is an emotional distance between you and others, but you do not understand how you “keep people out.”
• Empathy and attuning to others are hindered by an overbounded style. You may avoid being vulnerable or getting involved emotionally with other people. This may result in others’ view of you as emotionally unavailable, closed, insensitive, inconsiderate, or abrasive. And you may or may not understand why they say such things.
The tendency for rigid boundaries with others may literally show up in an increased muscular tonicity in your body. Your body might reflect these rigid and strong boundaries by being tense and guarded. Your body language might give the message that you do not want anyone near you and that you want to be left alone.
Individuals with an overbounded style also have certain strengths or survival resources. This boundary style protects a sense of self and reduces the influence and impact of other people’s feelings and opinions. People with this style can be helpful in times of stress, since they are self-sufficient, able to take charge, and give off an aura of confidence and self-assurance.
PENDULUM BOUNDARY STYLE
With this boundary style, we might swing back and forth from underbounded to overbounded. We may risk vulnerability and open up to others, too much. Then, when opening up leads to the experience of pain or being overwhelmed, we react by closing down. We find ourselves swinging, sometimes in response to triggers, sometimes in response to the negative consequences of the other side of the pendulum. When we are overbounded, we tend to feel too alone; when we are underbounded, we tend to feel too vulnerable.
These two different states can be confusing, both to the person with this boundary style and to the people interacting with him or her. Sometimes, when these states are extreme, they can be dysregulating. But if the pendulum style does not occur to an extreme degree, the ability to open up and close down can sometimes make this style more integrated and flexible in relationships than the previous two styles.
INCOMPLETE BOUNDARY STYLE
This boundary has “holes” in it. With this style, it is possible to have healthy boundaries much of the time but become over- or underbounded in certain situations, such as at work or at social gatherings, with certain people, such as with romantic partners, authority figures, parents, or children. We may have trouble saying “no” to a lover or spouse but can easily say “no” to strangers, friends, or coworkers. A loss of healthy boundary may also occur when we are in certain emotional, mental, or physical states: for example, being tired, sick, needy, angry, or distressed. In these cases, our healthy boundaries may become weak or rigid.
However, a person with this style has a generally healthy and adaptive boundary, and is able to say “yes” or “no” effectively in most situations.
Working with Your Boundary Style
If you have an underbounded style, it might be helpful to practice grounding and alignment resources to help you feel less collapsed or vulnerable and more connected with yourself so that you do not get thrown off track by the needs or demands of other people.
An overbounded style is often the result of a fear of becoming underbounded and vulnerable, and it is not helpful to override such a boundary, physically or emotionally. If this is your boundary style, you may be hypersensitive to feelings of intrusion and physical proximity and need to learn that proximity does not necessarily mean that you are in danger or about to be asked to do something you do not wish to do. It is important for you to maintain control over the amount of opening and relaxing of your rigid boundary so that it can occur naturally and spontaneously at a tolerable pace for you. It can be helpful to strengthen the physically felt sense of self in your body that was not present when the overbounded habit was first learned.
Negotiating Boundaries and Predicting Boundary Violations
Learning to increase your sensitivity to the somatic warning signs of upcoming or actual boundary violations is essential in negotiating relational boundaries. Reading the nonverbal signals from others goes hand in hand with tuning into your own internal cues in relation to boundaries. Awareness of those nonverbal signals from others that tell you that you might be too close, or that they do not want to hear the personal information you are divulging, or that they need to end the conversation will help you learn to respect the boundaries of others. Tuning into sensations and movement impulses in your body that convey discomfort, alarm, or uneasiness will help you anticipate potential boundary violations.